Who cares?

A lot of people apparently.

We're standing in line at Toys 'R Us. My affirmed daughter is buying a big pink meanie--a Lots-o-Huggin' Bear. Why the bear is popular I do not know as his character is a grumpy traitor on Toy Story 3. In front of us in the check-out line is a man with two little girls sitting in a shopping cart full of toy trucks. "My daughters both love trucks, can you believe it?" I answer simply, "Yes."

How'd she know?

Three years ago, soon after Janet had transitioned, our then 11 year-old son Connor came with us to the Philadelphia Trans-Health Conference. Leaving the building in his Eagles McNabb shirt he was stopped by a 50 something transwoman who, despite her elegant dress, given her build and facial features, she had clearly transitioned past her youth.  She hailed him, "Hey, can you believe McNabb's on the Red Skins now?" Connor wondered, "She's a woman, how could she know so much about football?!"

Gender fears

My blog was recently found by the search terms "transgender child ruin my life." Ouch. Yet I can relate to the sentiment, at least as far as a first response to what feels like an overwhelming situation. But why? Our fears and stress in this case are primarily based on our worries about "what people will think." Let's consider this. People's reactions aren't proscribed, they are shaped by the cultural norms of society at any given location and period of time.

Questions or subject requests

Hi everybody. I've had some new viewers recently, so, does anybody have any topics, or life stories regarding Janet, that you'd like me to cover? Does anybody have any questions you'd like me to answer?
All can be answered anonymously. Click "comment" but I filter first, and will not post them.

How the pool spoiled the spa

It's not every day I get to go to a spa. Few things can be better than a spa weekend in the Catskills with a childhood friend. From yoga and cardio, facials and massages, then steam room and sauna we had it all, not to mention delicious, healthful food. I should have returned home glowing, and I did, for about three minutes. Then I picked up the mail.

I'm no expert...

I may know more than the Average Joe about transgender issues, but being a part of an LGBTQ family doesn't make me the perfect role model on sensitivity.

Long ago I'd written a post about wearing a dress. I started with the quote:

Just around the corner in every woman's mind - is a lovely dress, a wonderful suit, or entire costume which will make an enchanting new creature of her. 
~Wilhela Cushman

I received a comment from a woman chastising me for placing women into such a constricting gender role. Was she not a woman just because she didn't like dresses? Of course she was. Then again, had she read more closely the quote continues to say "a wonderful suit...or...costume." Still, her point was that I of all people, being a mom of a trans girl, should have known better.

I walked the labyrinth

There are those who tell us that our adoption was meant to be, that already having three sons we needed a daughter to complete our family, we just didn't know it; that we were destined to adopt Janet because she turned out to be transgender, and it would have been hard to find another family who would support her; that we can offer her the opportunities she would never experience in China, and so we ended up with her. I am not a believer. In my book fate does not exist, stuff happens. Okay I don't write books, but if I did they wouldn't endorse the concept of fate.

New theme song?

Er, surprise!

To my regular readers this is post out of chronological order. I'm just trying to fill in a few gaps in the saga.

Suddenly we have a girl, she's Janet now, she's on top of the world. She frolics in a skirt at home. Hand-me downs arrive from neighbors, from those who get it--from as far away as Maine. She cuts up t-shirts to make jackets, mini-skirts, you name it. This lovely girl is blossoming, except she's still L in school, ashamed to say her name. In her class we abbreviate to a gender neutral name, but it's not enough.

Apologies

New post coming soon...

To those who thinks it's a choice...

...or that we've been negligent parents, forcing a normal curiosity into a switch of genders, or worse, are at fault for even letting her act and dress "like a girl." Then why did my child sob all weekend by the phone, waiting for anyone to call? Who would ask for this, or push somebody into this? Each new friendship lasts a few days, until they realize it is social suicide to hang with my daughter. Were it not for her camp friends, I don't know what she'd do.

What's in a name?

I am smitten with names, always have been. As a youth I read the What Shall We Name the Baby book over and over until it was ragged and dog-eared. One day my father approached me anxiously asking whether I was pregnant. No I wasn't, it was the love of names, the sounds that roll off your tongue, their meaning, the rhythm.

When a confession attracts the wrong audience.

Okay let me start out by saying ick, ick, ick.

And then I'll go on to say that I put our lives on the line on a regular basis by writing about my family's experience raising a transgender child. Families have been reported to child protective services, and while this usually just creates some bureaucratic stir, it sometimes ends up with children being removed from families or granted custody to estranged spouses unconvinced of their child's condition. With an adopted child, having an outside agency step in had a higher risk.

Boring, complaining post: Sorry, it's all I got.

Couldn't get to sleep until 1am last night, then woke up at 7:00.

Had a hundred things to do because my next bunion surgery is tomorrow but was so sleepy I had trouble getting going.

One of my best friends called to say her mother died. Her father died long ago and her mother-in-law passed last month, so no grandparents for her daughter.

I couldn't decide whether to cancel my surgery to go be with my friend. After checking out other possible dates and trying to figure out what to do, I ended up opting for surgery.

I called a couple of her friends we all knew from China.

I started trying to do some last minute things before surgery. Laundry, cleaning out bathroom, cleaning out stinky fridge. Empty recyclable bottles lay on the bathroom floor ready to sort. Veggies and the glass plate from a fridge drawer were out on the counters when my friend called to ask me to book her tickets. I got on the phone and managed to do that.

I realized I was late for an appointment just when my friend called to say I'd mis-booked the second leg of the trip. Unbelievably, I spent over an hour on the phone with the airline. As I was transferred to each person, we had to start the whole process over again and repeat all the new information.

My kids kept on calling, having arrived home to an unlocked door and things strewn all over. They were worried about me (I found out later) but I couldn't answer their calls because I was on the phone with the airline.

By the time the last agent came on the phone and asked for all the information over again I started crying. Meanwhile my friend called to tell me she had to check her luggage but it had to go to the old location because her new itinerary wasn't booked yet. She started consoling me as I cried in her ear. I told her she was nuts because she was consoling me and her mother had just died.

At home I made dinner and the children helped. After dinner I cleaned up then got ready to go out grocery shopping.

I checked on facebook and my favorite person I play a form of scrabble with disappeared. We used to chat as we played and were an even match. I thought she had dumped me and started crying again.

I bought a Hoho at the supermarket and it tasted disgusting. I ate all three in the pack anyway.

Back at home one son helped me unload the car (yay!) and my husband helped put the stuff away (thank goodness.)

Then my kids started fighting as I continued to clean up. I ran upstairs and said, "I couldn't get to sleep last night, I got up early, my best friend's mother died, I cleaned the house, spent hours on the phone booking tickets and am having surgery tomorrow. If your sibling upsets you keep it to yourself. Throw a pillow in your room but do not talk to or engage them." Ten seconds my son made my daughter mad and she threw water on him.

Fifteen minutes later the twins were playing so rambunctiously and shouting so loudly that I called upstairs and asked them to quiet down. Instead they gave me some flack.

Then I remembered I had to still book car rentals. That went smoothly.

After that my facebook friend reappeared and we started playing Lex. Phew.

Wish me luck on my surgery.

Sharing the idea of transgender people with children

The post below cites studies that show teaching children about transgender people--including transgender children--won't cause them to become transgender, but will educate them about diversity and will help transgender children feel safe to open up about their identities.

Should We Introduce Children to the Concept of Transgender People
                                Joanne Herman, Huffington Post, January 10, 2011

What will people think?

There are many who dare not kill themselves for fear of what the neighbours will say. Cyril Connolly

When you have a transgender child, the different stages of reactions can feel endless:

Deceit:

My first semi-unsuccessful chat, was with a neighbor. I told her Janet was born in the wrong body. She seemed to listen well enough, and so I asked her, "I don't want people talking about us behind our backs, if you hear anybody with questions can you tell them to address us directly?" Soon after I discovered she had been talking about us to a mutual friend to the tune of "how could a child that young possibly know??" I could  have explained...

Ridicule:

In the school yard I overheard children sniggering as they passed us. I bristled, but at least Janet was oblivious. ADHD can have it's benefits.

Confessions:

Before Janet  transitioned she was having trouble in the lunch line for her feminine behavior. I called up the cafeteria worker to explain the situation. She said, "Oh, I understand. You know my sister's gay." Same with the dentist assistant's cousin. Likewise the middle school
secretary's daughter.

Empathy:

Not long after baseball season started Janet changed her name and pronouns--luckily it was a at least a co-ed league. Before we  broke the news to the team I told a fellow baseball parent whom I didn't otherwise know. Hearing our story she burst out in tears, overwhelmed, saying what an amazing thing for this child to leave China and get to start out anew in a loving family who accepted her.

Champions:

The same mother above met me the next week and told me she had been defending us at church. She told her fellow parishioners that they didn't know our family, so who were they to judge? Similarly, a friend who lived in a different school district bumped into me at the supermarket  and enthusiastically informed me that she'd been standing up for me. Grateful though I was, there was a side of me that didn't want to know strangers around town were gossiping about our family. Ignorance might have been bliss.

Support:

Three casual acquaintances surprised us by sending cards and one by calling  expressing their support. In a note Janet's teacher wrote:
I was very impressed with how the whole 3rd grade handled the talk this morning. They were the ones reminding me to change her name tag and when I called her L by accident they reminded me.

Acceptance:

My brother wrote, "I guess your husband's family was finally due for a girl grandchild! Congratulations...you can count on us to accept her choices. Cindy will have to share the spotlight now." Even more so my mother was thrilled to have another granddaughter to shop for and promptly took her to the mall.

Doubt:

Gay friends would tell me that "he" probably was just gay. Others would tell me "he" would grow out of it (and still do.)

A friend told me she had been a tomboy her whole life, only hung with boys, excelled at sports and would have agreed to be a boy if somebody had asked her. Maybe, but she never insisted she was a boy.

Others would pinpoint any "boy-like" behavior in her and claimed proof she was "really a boy." She loves to duel with sticks and run around crazily, hence she's a boy? People have trouble understanding there is no real gender duality, rather a gender spectrum.

Oblivious:

One doctor we saw just ignored the information, even though her name on the file had been changed. He continued to address Janet as "him," even commenting on the scabs and bruises on her legs that "boys will be boys." After two such appointments we found a new doctor.

Rancor:

TYFA monitored closely the more well-known "hate groups" for reactions to our news (so we didn't have to see it.) While there were many  nasty discussion for weeks, they eventually petered out. Some sent hateful letters to Janet's school principal. Luckily no one has ever been mean to us personally, which isn't always so for families with transgender children.

My own overreaction:

Two days after she transitioned at school a bespectacled boy asked Janet if she were a boy. Tamping down my Mama Bear, I bent down and asked him how he'd feel if someone made fun of him for wearing glasses, that we were all different, but we don't make fun of differences. His mother, apparently nearby, saw me and didn't like the way I talked to him and complained to the principal (can you say triangulation?) In retrospect, he was probably just confused. My bad.

And so...

Overall we've been relatively fortunate. Janet still gets some jabs from classmates, which is upsetting, but she rallies. As long as she's not stealth there will always be unwanted attention. If I can give back by writing and helping others through this process, then it will be worth it.

Chocolate dump cake, when no cake is not an option

Your best recipes for snow-ins and other emergencies

I was runner-up in the Salon.com's Kitchen Challenge. Above is my entry. Enjoy some chocolate cake on me!