What will people think?

There are many who dare not kill themselves for fear of what the neighbours will say. Cyril Connolly

When you have a transgender child, the different stages of reactions can feel endless:

Deceit:

My first semi-unsuccessful chat, was with a neighbor. I told her Janet was born in the wrong body. She seemed to listen well enough, and so I asked her, "I don't want people talking about us behind our backs, if you hear anybody with questions can you tell them to address us directly?" Soon after I discovered she had been talking about us to a mutual friend to the tune of "how could a child that young possibly know??" I could  have explained...

Ridicule:

In the school yard I overheard children sniggering as they passed us. I bristled, but at least Janet was oblivious. ADHD can have it's benefits.

Confessions:

Before Janet  transitioned she was having trouble in the lunch line for her feminine behavior. I called up the cafeteria worker to explain the situation. She said, "Oh, I understand. You know my sister's gay." Same with the dentist assistant's cousin. Likewise the middle school
secretary's daughter.

Empathy:

Not long after baseball season started Janet changed her name and pronouns--luckily it was a at least a co-ed league. Before we  broke the news to the team I told a fellow baseball parent whom I didn't otherwise know. Hearing our story she burst out in tears, overwhelmed, saying what an amazing thing for this child to leave China and get to start out anew in a loving family who accepted her.

Champions:

The same mother above met me the next week and told me she had been defending us at church. She told her fellow parishioners that they didn't know our family, so who were they to judge? Similarly, a friend who lived in a different school district bumped into me at the supermarket  and enthusiastically informed me that she'd been standing up for me. Grateful though I was, there was a side of me that didn't want to know strangers around town were gossiping about our family. Ignorance might have been bliss.

Support:

Three casual acquaintances surprised us by sending cards and one by calling  expressing their support. In a note Janet's teacher wrote:
I was very impressed with how the whole 3rd grade handled the talk this morning. They were the ones reminding me to change her name tag and when I called her L by accident they reminded me.

Acceptance:

My brother wrote, "I guess your husband's family was finally due for a girl grandchild! Congratulations...you can count on us to accept her choices. Cindy will have to share the spotlight now." Even more so my mother was thrilled to have another granddaughter to shop for and promptly took her to the mall.

Doubt:

Gay friends would tell me that "he" probably was just gay. Others would tell me "he" would grow out of it (and still do.)

A friend told me she had been a tomboy her whole life, only hung with boys, excelled at sports and would have agreed to be a boy if somebody had asked her. Maybe, but she never insisted she was a boy.

Others would pinpoint any "boy-like" behavior in her and claimed proof she was "really a boy." She loves to duel with sticks and run around crazily, hence she's a boy? People have trouble understanding there is no real gender duality, rather a gender spectrum.

Oblivious:

One doctor we saw just ignored the information, even though her name on the file had been changed. He continued to address Janet as "him," even commenting on the scabs and bruises on her legs that "boys will be boys." After two such appointments we found a new doctor.

Rancor:

TYFA monitored closely the more well-known "hate groups" for reactions to our news (so we didn't have to see it.) While there were many  nasty discussion for weeks, they eventually petered out. Some sent hateful letters to Janet's school principal. Luckily no one has ever been mean to us personally, which isn't always so for families with transgender children.

My own overreaction:

Two days after she transitioned at school a bespectacled boy asked Janet if she were a boy. Tamping down my Mama Bear, I bent down and asked him how he'd feel if someone made fun of him for wearing glasses, that we were all different, but we don't make fun of differences. His mother, apparently nearby, saw me and didn't like the way I talked to him and complained to the principal (can you say triangulation?) In retrospect, he was probably just confused. My bad.

And so...

Overall we've been relatively fortunate. Janet still gets some jabs from classmates, which is upsetting, but she rallies. As long as she's not stealth there will always be unwanted attention. If I can give back by writing and helping others through this process, then it will be worth it.