Just around the corner in every woman's mind - is a lovely dress, a wonderful suit, or entire costume which will make an enchanting new creature of her.
~Wilhela Cushman
As early as the fall, three years ago (we adopted midsummer), L was wearing dress-ups as often as he could (also see Mother May I). Sure, sometimes it would be a pirate or a magician, and we would take heart. More often than not, though, it was a princess or fashion model. We kept hoping he'd grow out of it, that living in the women's dorm in the orphanage had swayed him, and that living with three brother s would swing the pendulum in the other direction.
At first I was so uptight. The twins' friends would come over and L would waltz by in a dress. "Not in front of others!" I hissed, "Only family!" Little did I realize L would take this to mean that when our extended family gathered he should put on a fashion show. Both at his grandparents' and at home, a holiday would come and he'd march up and down the stairs changing his dresses . He'd even dress up his seven year-old brother as a girl, who donned his outfits much more goofily. Sometimes I had to explain on short notice to distant relatives his penchant for the feminine side.
Eventually, when he'd be overwhelmed with grief, missing China, or feeling rejected by his new siblings, I'd take him upstairs to my room and he'd try on my dresses. He'd strut and pose and be thrillled. The next day he'd ask to go upstairs again and I'd be full of chagrin. I'd think that it was supposed to be an occasional diversion not a daily activity. Ever creative she began to hand sew sleeveless tops and skirts out of her t-shirts.
Two different therapists had suggested limiting his choices or insisting on an even balance of traditionally male and female products. I found myself in ridiculous circumstances. At the book store he'd pick up a selection from a series of fairy books. "Get a boy book too!" I'd command crankily, squirming inside. It frankly, felt dumb. Moreover I was sure I was handling it poorly.
It was my aunt, a relative we hadn't seen since my sister's wedding 10 years prior, who prompted the first major shopping trip. Two different counselors had suggested limiting his choices or insisting on an even balance of traditionally male and female products. I found myself in ridiculous circumstances. At the book store he'd pick up a selection from a series of fairy books. "Get a boy book too!" I'd command crankily, squirming inside. It frankly, felt dumb. Moreover I was sure I was handling it poorly.
When my aunt's check for $100 came in celebration of his adoption I felt freed. I wasn't buying things for him, somehow influencing his choices, he could do with it whatever he wished. It was straight to the mall, specifically to the Disney store. He ran about excitedly picking out a princess hairbrush, a throw pillow and sleeping bag. I walked into the clothing area and asked if there was possibly something he liked in there. Wide-eyed he looked up at me uncertainly. He ended up picking a nightgown with Ariel the mermaid printed on the front, plain on the back with long bell sleeves.
Back at home we hadn't decided, was this to be daily wear? He put it on and asked tentatively, "Will Daddy mind?" "Why don't you go ask him," I suggested. He skipped down to the basement where dad was practicing guitar. Dad agreed, despite his strong misgivings and so it was. Every night thereafter L wore that nightgown for months. Later that evening my husband confessed he'd had a visceral reaction. He literally wanted to vomit. Being a scientist with a liberal bent he understood L's penchant for girls' clothing as best he could intellectually. He couldn't explain why from the gut this all was anathema to him. His journey to acceptance was heartfelt and long, but that's another post.
The next step was wearing clothing outside, which felt like another hurdle altogether. It would only be new territory, where we wouldn't bump into people we knew. How did that evolve? Well, we were still bonding as a family. I wanted his brothers--especially his older brothers--to feel like they benefited from L's presence. In China birthdays are not a big deal, instead they all gained a year at Chinese New Year, that's when the big celebration happened. New clothes were the expected gift and three of the boys wanted Eagles football jerseys. L asked for the same version in pink. Ted, the youngest, and L's advocate, said, "Why don't you ask for a dress? That's what you want!" Well. I bought a 12 pack of panties and a dress.
L was so excited! At first we weren't sure he'd wear it out. Then, one of the older twin sons said, "Why can't he wear the dress, we're wearing our new football jerseys?" They continually amaze me. My husband was not thrilled when I suggested we use a female name/pronoun at least for the evening. So we stuck with L, but nobody noticed. In Chinatown while we were waiting for our meal, L and I kept on running outside to the sidewalk. He'd twirl around and then skip back into the restaurant. His movements, expressions just looked more normal when he appeared as a girl. The dress had sparkles which kept on falling off onto L's face. He was shining!
Eventually, when he'd be overwhelmed with grief, missing China, or feeling rejected by his new siblings, I'd take him upstairs to my room and he'd try on my dresses. He'd strut and pose and be thrillled. The next day he'd ask to go upstairs again and I'd be full of chagrin. I'd think that it was supposed to be an occasional diversion not a daily activity. Ever creative she began to hand sew sleeveless tops and skirts out of her t-shirts.
Two different therapists had suggested limiting his choices or insisting on an even balance of traditionally male and female products. I found myself in ridiculous circumstances. At the book store he'd pick up a selection from a series of fairy books. "Get a boy book too!" I'd command crankily, squirming inside. It frankly, felt dumb. Moreover I was sure I was handling it poorly.
It was my aunt, a relative we hadn't seen since my sister's wedding 10 years prior, who prompted the first major shopping trip. Two different counselors had suggested limiting his choices or insisting on an even balance of traditionally male and female products. I found myself in ridiculous circumstances. At the book store he'd pick up a selection from a series of fairy books. "Get a boy book too!" I'd command crankily, squirming inside. It frankly, felt dumb. Moreover I was sure I was handling it poorly.
When my aunt's check for $100 came in celebration of his adoption I felt freed. I wasn't buying things for him, somehow influencing his choices, he could do with it whatever he wished. It was straight to the mall, specifically to the Disney store. He ran about excitedly picking out a princess hairbrush, a throw pillow and sleeping bag. I walked into the clothing area and asked if there was possibly something he liked in there. Wide-eyed he looked up at me uncertainly. He ended up picking a nightgown with Ariel the mermaid printed on the front, plain on the back with long bell sleeves.Back at home we hadn't decided, was this to be daily wear? He put it on and asked tentatively, "Will Daddy mind?" "Why don't you go ask him," I suggested. He skipped down to the basement where dad was practicing guitar. Dad agreed, despite his strong misgivings and so it was. Every night thereafter L wore that nightgown for months. Later that evening my husband confessed he'd had a visceral reaction. He literally wanted to vomit. Being a scientist with a liberal bent he understood L's penchant for girls' clothing as best he could intellectually. He couldn't explain why from the gut this all was anathema to him. His journey to acceptance was heartfelt and long, but that's another post.
The next step was wearing clothing outside, which felt like another hurdle altogether. It would only be new territory, where we wouldn't bump into people we knew. How did that evolve? Well, we were still bonding as a family. I wanted his brothers--especially his older brothers--to feel like they benefited from L's presence. In China birthdays are not a big deal, instead they all gained a year at Chinese New Year, that's when the big celebration happened. New clothes were the expected gift and three of the boys wanted Eagles football jerseys. L asked for the same version in pink. Ted, the youngest, and L's advocate, said, "Why don't you ask for a dress? That's what you want!" Well. I bought a 12 pack of panties and a dress.
L was so excited! At first we weren't sure he'd wear it out. Then, one of the older twin sons said, "Why can't he wear the dress, we're wearing our new football jerseys?" They continually amaze me. My husband was not thrilled when I suggested we use a female name/pronoun at least for the evening. So we stuck with L, but nobody noticed. In Chinatown while we were waiting for our meal, L and I kept on running outside to the sidewalk. He'd twirl around and then skip back into the restaurant. His movements, expressions just looked more normal when he appeared as a girl. The dress had sparkles which kept on falling off onto L's face. He was shining!
Fabulous, Thank you for sharing your incredible journey. J is a lucky lucky girl to have found a family like yours. We must continue to tell the world about our gender non-conforming children and the challenges of parenting them. Bravo!
ReplyDeleteI received a comment from my quote, that I was buying into a gender binary, that not all women like dresses. She has a point. On the other hand, I think every affirmed girl when they first transitioned went WAY girly with skirts and feather boas until they settled into their own selves. Janet now rarely wears a skirt.
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